Even strained relationships often harbor a myriad of emotions - from moments of love to those of anger and resentment. Sometimes, employees need help sorting through emotions associated with personal relationships in order to be more productive in the workplace.
“I heard the news today, oh boy…” – Lyrics from A Day in the Life, written by John Lennon & Paul McCartney
Finding Help for a Failing Relationship
By Valerie S. Nosek
Shocked. And sad.
That’s how I felt when I found out a couple I know (let’s call them Pam and Jack) are splitting up…the big D-I-V-O-R-C-E. To many of us bystanders, it seemed completely out of the blue.
One day: Pam and Jack are happy, singing “Besame Mucho” together.
Next day: Bam! Pam is “gone for the day, gone for the night, gone for the rest of your doggone life,” as the country song wails on.
But we all know that’s not how it really happens. A person doesn’t just wake up one morning and decide to catch the “I’m leaving my wife/husband/partner train.” Usually, that ride is a long time coming – if anyone dares to look down the track.
At an initial glance, Pam and Jack seemed to be the mythical perfect couple – not that they had the same “style” like some couples do…but they were complimentary to each other.
They were married for over 15 years; had shared interests in music, performing in various bands together; had the pleasant little home in the suburbs; liked entertaining in their home; jointly cared for Jack’s elderly father, who lived with them so they could provide the assistance he needed.
Pam is outgoing, always smiling and takes the lead in social situations. Jack is more introverted, a slow kind of “get-to-know-you” person. Where Pam rushes into things with whole-hearted enthusiasm, Jack moves a little slower – their personalities combined were like a balancing act.
Maybe it was just too tough to keep the balancing act up.
In retrospect, the warning signs were there for any of us outsiders, too.
Looking back at photos taken over the past years, it’s evident that Pam and Jack were moving further apart. Even for the casual observer, the physical evidence is there – whereas they sat next to each other, smiling, holding hands in earlier years, anyone can see in the photos how they slowly moved apart from each other – sitting with people in between them or even in whole other groups in social situations.
They talked about “the business” and responsibilities associated with being partners – you know, the daily routine stuff like paying the bills, working on the house, taking care of loved ones etc…but they stopped talking about their “philosophy” of life together – their dreams, the “feeling” part of the relationship.
The intimacy faded until the relationship was just about being co-existing entities – roommates. Not very fulfilling for either individual.
So, what do you do if you sense your relationship with your spouse or significant other is falling apart? What if you miss the intimacy of your earlier relationship and feel like your life together is just a matter of going through the routine?
- Don’t bury your head in the sand and pretend the problems or uneasiness that you’re feeling will go away – it won’t. It’s always easier to address an issue sooner rather than later.
- Seek assistance from an objective (and trained) resource – a pastor, rabbi or other trusted religious counselor; a counselor through your insurance carrier; or a counselor through your employee assistance program (EAP).
One of our Ease@Work consultants likes the idea of a yearly “check-up” for your relationships. This person suggests answering a series of questions together around the same time each year – whether that’s New Year’s, your Anniversary or another agreed upon date. The questions serve as both a catalyst for conversation about vital aspects of a relationship and as a guide for setting joint goals that will vitalize and strengthen your bond.
Counselors available through your EAP can also help individuals and couples sort through problematic areas in a safe and controlled environment. This is particularly helpful if it’s difficult to discuss concerns with your partner without the conversations escalating into a fight or one of you “shutting down.”
But sometimes, no matter what you do, a relationship cannot be restored. And that’s something a trained counselor can help couples/individuals work through, too.
I still feel bad about Pam and Jack, but I’m adjusting how I think of them from that as a couple, to the individuals they are. I only wish they would have reached out to someone years ago when the relationship was still reparable.
Employers need to be concerned about their employees’ personal relationships – at least from a distance – because “the success of” or “dysfunction of” personal relationships can have a great impact in the workplace. While we may like to think that personal problems are always left at home, we know that’s not what always happens. Talk to your EAP about how to promote an awareness of what they can offer to employees in terms of relationship issues.
